When Christmas is hard
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Except when it isn’t.
For many people, Christmas is in fact the hardest time. If there’s been loss and grief over the years, Christmas can bring that to the forefront of mind. Maybe Christmas this year looks different for you and doesn’t fit with the messages of magic, joy and celebration that we see and hear everywhere we turn.
At times, integrating our current situation with the ‘shoulds’ or ‘meant tos’ that come with Christmas can be tricky. No one wants to be the Christmas Grinch, but putting on a fake smile and pretending to celebrate can be exhausting. It can also lead to a scenario where we start to dread Christmas. We might withdraw from those around us, in an attempt to protect ourselves from the Christmas cheer. Or maybe we reach for an extra drink to make it more bearable.
My psychology clinics are often the busiest in December. I see stressed people wondering how they will cope with the emotional, financial, and social impact of the festive season.
My advice if you find Christmas tough is to acknowledge that perhaps for you this isn’t the most wonderful time of the year. Sometimes even just doing that can reduce the pressure we put on ourselves to act or feel a certain way.
If you’re grieving, let yourself grieve. Grief is only painful because love was strong. If there’s someone missing from your life this Christmas, explore ways to recognise that. At our Christmas table, we light a candle and say a karakia to remember cherished people who are no longer with us.
We all benefit from anchors in our lives that help us find meaning. These can be many and varied; the beach, mountains, garden, friends, family, colleagues, culture, animals, a treasured piece of music, photo, candles, faith, relaxation and mindfulness can all act as anchors. It can be useful to make a list of what anchors you. Then try to create space in your day for these anchors, especially during difficult times.
Studies have shown that by offering ourselves kindness, we are more capable of then showing kindness and compassion to others. This kindness can come from the way we talk to ourselves as well as the things we do for ourselves. Kindness might be saying ‘no I won’t have that extra drink’ or telling yourself ‘It’s okay if I don’t love Christmas’ or deciding to go for that walk even though you’re tired. This December, try experimenting with being especially kind to yourself.
Even if it’s not the most wonderful time of the year, perhaps through kindness you can find your own peace and aroha this Christmas.
